Just when I felt I had caught my bearings with finding true friends and balancing my family, I moved five hours away. In this city, I am completely rebuilding and re-connecting with friends to find the comfort and solidity that I use to feel when I was five hours north. The reason it effects me now more than ever is because I have been here for an entire year. I have been here long enough where my friendships from home have loosened their grip, and I simply cannot communicate with my family enough. In the meantime here in Indy, I have not spent enough time here to have made lifetime friends. The friends that are going to where all my clothes and surprise me with bottles of wine after work. Those are the friends I had, and those are the friends that I want. I would be lying if I said it hasn't been a struggle, but I am hopeful.
I do not believe that my boyfriend JJ and I have crossed paths for no reason. I can truly say he is my everything. He is my clothes sharer and my wine bottle giver. Not only has his friendship made this life transition easier on me, he has opened up a new world of family and friends for me to lay back on by default.
Skidz wizdom: I am stubborn and feel I need to find my own friends. JJ is helping me pull back a shell and learn to lean on him.
We took a trip this weekend to Louisville, KY for his cousin's wedding. We gambled at Churchill Downs and then gambled again at The Horseshoe Casino. Again I was surrounded by new faces and a few acquaintances from JJ's family. I have to be honest it is hard to completely open up and act like your are buds with everyone when you can only remember about 5 names. It's an interesting feeling. Probably more uncomfortable than anything. It's tiring to just suck it up and laugh at stories you don't know about jokes you don't understand. There comes to a point when you want to actually be part of the story and make the joke.
Just when I had started feeling alone this weekend, JJ had reminded me to stay patient. I am working through the fact that time is at the essence, and nothing can be forced. After his loving sort of 'slap in the face' I had found myself building relationships the very next day that I had been wishing for. I saw a glimpse of the potential friendships blossoming into something greater. It really put me at ease and allowed me to take control of my thoughts and emotions and open up a bit. And it felt great.
After a wild night on Fourth Street in Downtown Louisville, I had woke up the next morning in a cousin sandwich with JJ and his cousin Olivia in our king sized bed. I am positive Olivia and I danced together more than me and JJ, and I'm into that. It's an awkward way to come upon a realization, but I truly felt part of the clan for once. A cousin sandwich was what I needed.
I never really thought that I would need help finding strength. My independence has taught me and carried me through my life. Listening and learning from JJ's knowledge and strength has allowed me to heal quicker and breathe deeper. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
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